Librarians and light bulbs

How many academic librarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Just five. One changes the light bulb while the other four form a committee and write a letter of protest to the Dean, because after all, changing light bulbs IS NOT professional work!

How many catalogers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but they have to wait to see how LC does it first.

How many cataloguers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one provided it is in AACR2. How many reference librarians does it take to change a light-bulb?
(with a perky smile) "Well, I don't know right off-hand, but I know where we can look it up!"

How many reference librarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None if it has a LCSH heading.

How many library system managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
All of them as the manual was lost in the last move (or flood).

How many library managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
At least one committee and a light bulb strategy focus meeting and plan.

How many library technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seven. One to follow approved procedure, and six to review the procedure. (8 if you count the librarian they all report to)

Better than fines?

"For him that stealeth a book from this library, let it change into a serpent in his hand and rend him. Let him be struck by palsy & all his members blasted. Let him languish in pain, crying aloud for mercy, & let there be no surcease for his agony until he sink to dissolution. Let bookworms gnaw his entrails in token of the worm that dieth not, & when at last he goeth to his final punishment let the flames of hell consume him for ever & aye."
Attributed to the monastery of San Pedro, Barcelona

The White Heat of Technology in 1904 according to Edward Elgar

The more things change the more they are the same

I recently had the good fortune to visit the Elgar Birthplace Museum just outside Worcester. The Museum is a small but fitting tribute to one of England’s great modern composers. The following text is taken from a manuscript on display amongst the exhibits. It is astonishingly pertinent and deserves to be much more widely known as a telling description of the fact that technological impacts on life have been going on for decades and not just since the invention of social media.

“The present generation takes the inventions of the last few years calmly and allows the most revolutionary mechanical appliances to enter into their lives without surprise and without emotion.

The gramophone is one of these marvels. It was necessary last week that I should ‘know’ a certain new composition; it is of course necessary theoretically that I should hear all new compositions – in time; but this occasion was peremptory. Being in the twentieth century and within reach of His Master’s Voice, the procedure was remarkably simple.

The telephone brought me mysterious discs within ten minutes; ten minutes later I had heard the composition played by an orchestra of the first rank under a no less noteworthy conductor.

My thoughts go back to days when the desire to know was just as keen, but the means of gaining knowledge were few and difficult. In 1877 – 8 – 9, London was scantily supplied with orchestral concerts: the provinces were in a worse plight.

The Crystal Palace concerts under the direction of August Manns  were undoubtedly the best and many new works were produced and compositions of established repute were played which I wanted to know.

I say ‘know’ and not hear; it is possible to be either or both; scores were not easily obtainable; if they had been procurable a reading would have satisfied my immediate wants. “

The document on display is the first page of a typed lecture (?) which has been heavily edited by hand in ink. It is entitled “H.M.V.”  What appears above is the final text as edited by Elgar himself. It would be interesting to uncover any other early documented examples of the role of technology in facilitating knowledge transfer.

Derek Law

Very bad school children library jokes!

What did one math book say to the other math book?
"Do you want to hear my problems?"

What do planets like to read?
Comet books.

How do librarians file melted marshmallows?
According to the Gooey (Dewey) Decimal System.

What did the spider do inside the library computer?
It made a Web page.

When the cold wind blows, what does a book do?
It puts on a book jacket.

What does Hagrid use on the 18th hole of the Hogwarts Golf Course?
His Harry Putter.

When the squirrels sneak into the library to use the computers, where do they go?
On the Inter-nut.


Where are there more nobles than in the royal court?
In the library. All the books have titles.

When a knight read a book, who was always at his side?
His page.

What do you do if a dragon bites your library book?
Take the words right out of his mouth.

Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor?
Because she was in the non-friction section.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow better place to hang out during the winter than the library!

Why did the vampire check out a drawing book?
He wanted to learn how to draw blood.

Librarian: Knock knock.
Student: Who's there?
Librarian: Winnie.
Student: Winnie who?
Librarian: Winnie you going to bring back that overdue book, hm?


Why was the T-Rex afraid to go to the library?
Because her books were 60 million years overdue.

Why is that library book you're trying to find always in the last place you look?
Because once you find it, you stop looking.

Why does the ghost come back to the library every day for more books?
Because she goes through them too quickly.

Why didn't the skeleton come back to the library with an overdue book?
He was too gutless.

Why don't elephants ever pay overdue fines?
They always bring their books back on time. An elephant never forgets!

What did the detective do when he didn't believe the librarian's story?
He booked her!

Do you know how many librarians it takes to change a light bulb?
No, but I know where you can look it up!

What king of medieval England was famous because he spent so many nights at his Round Table writing books?
King Author!

If you travel to Eastern Europe, why won't you find any books in Prague's public library?
They're all "Czech"ed out!

How do you make a library float?
Get a million gallons of root beer, two scoops of ice cream, and add one library!

What building has the most stories?
The library, of course!

Where does a librarian sleep?
Between the covers.

When a librarian goes fishing, what goes on her hook?
A bookworm, of course.

What does a librarian eat dinner from?
A bookplate.

What does the mummy do when he goes to the library?
He gets all wrapped up in a good book.

Monty Python also has a librarian sketch....

"You see, I don't believe that libraries should be drab places where people sit in silence, and that's been the main reason for our policy of employing wild animals as librarians."

see the full script in  "Gorilla Librarian." Monty Python's Flying Circus, http://orangecow.org/pythonet/sketches/gorilla.htm

Scottish library joke

A man walks into a Glasgow library and says to the librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, do ye huv any books on suicide?"
The librarian looks up and says, "Get lost! Ye'll no bring it back!"

My favourite library joke

A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook".
The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook". Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out. The librarian shakes her head. Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok bok boook". The librarian gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it. The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank. There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog. The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying: "Book, bok, bok, boook". The frog blinks, and croaks: "read-it, read-it, read-it".