Very bad school children library jokes!

What did one math book say to the other math book?
"Do you want to hear my problems?"

What do planets like to read?
Comet books.

How do librarians file melted marshmallows?
According to the Gooey (Dewey) Decimal System.

What did the spider do inside the library computer?
It made a Web page.

When the cold wind blows, what does a book do?
It puts on a book jacket.

What does Hagrid use on the 18th hole of the Hogwarts Golf Course?
His Harry Putter.

When the squirrels sneak into the library to use the computers, where do they go?
On the Inter-nut.


Where are there more nobles than in the royal court?
In the library. All the books have titles.

When a knight read a book, who was always at his side?
His page.

What do you do if a dragon bites your library book?
Take the words right out of his mouth.

Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor?
Because she was in the non-friction section.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow better place to hang out during the winter than the library!

Why did the vampire check out a drawing book?
He wanted to learn how to draw blood.

Librarian: Knock knock.
Student: Who's there?
Librarian: Winnie.
Student: Winnie who?
Librarian: Winnie you going to bring back that overdue book, hm?


Why was the T-Rex afraid to go to the library?
Because her books were 60 million years overdue.

Why is that library book you're trying to find always in the last place you look?
Because once you find it, you stop looking.

Why does the ghost come back to the library every day for more books?
Because she goes through them too quickly.

Why didn't the skeleton come back to the library with an overdue book?
He was too gutless.

Why don't elephants ever pay overdue fines?
They always bring their books back on time. An elephant never forgets!

What did the detective do when he didn't believe the librarian's story?
He booked her!

Do you know how many librarians it takes to change a light bulb?
No, but I know where you can look it up!

What king of medieval England was famous because he spent so many nights at his Round Table writing books?
King Author!

If you travel to Eastern Europe, why won't you find any books in Prague's public library?
They're all "Czech"ed out!

How do you make a library float?
Get a million gallons of root beer, two scoops of ice cream, and add one library!

What building has the most stories?
The library, of course!

Where does a librarian sleep?
Between the covers.

When a librarian goes fishing, what goes on her hook?
A bookworm, of course.

What does a librarian eat dinner from?
A bookplate.

What does the mummy do when he goes to the library?
He gets all wrapped up in a good book.

Monty Python also has a librarian sketch....

"You see, I don't believe that libraries should be drab places where people sit in silence, and that's been the main reason for our policy of employing wild animals as librarians."

see the full script in  "Gorilla Librarian." Monty Python's Flying Circus, http://orangecow.org/pythonet/sketches/gorilla.htm

Scottish library joke

A man walks into a Glasgow library and says to the librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, do ye huv any books on suicide?"
The librarian looks up and says, "Get lost! Ye'll no bring it back!"

My favourite library joke

A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook".
The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook". Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out. The librarian shakes her head. Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok bok boook". The librarian gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it. The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank. There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog. The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying: "Book, bok, bok, boook". The frog blinks, and croaks: "read-it, read-it, read-it".

Sometimes the old jokes are the best.....

David Beckham walks into a library.

"I'll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.

"The librarian looks at him strangely. 'Sir,' she says, 'this is a library.'

David looks embarrassed and whispers as quietly as he can, 'Sorry! I'll have a cheeseburger and fries.'

The Art of Classification

Government is a great source of refinement in classification.
The British Public Record Office has a miscellaneous heading "Women, Witches, and the Working Class"  [Note the use of the Oxford Comma!].

Until 1951 the Foreign Office did not recognise the existence of Syria. Although it knew of the demise of the Medes and Persions it persisted in using the heading "Assyria"

Ten Reasons Why God Could Never Have Become a Professor Nor Obtained a Research Grant

1    1.   He produced only one publication and that was in Aramaic

2..   2.   He did not include a bibliography of previous work on the subject

3.    3.   His book was neither peer-reviewed nor published in a periodical recognised by Science Citation Index

4.    4.   There are doubts that he actually wrote it himself

5.    5.   No one in the scientific community has been able to reproduce the claimed results

6.    6.   Even if it were confirmed that he created the universe, what has he done since then?

7.    7.   When one experiment turned out badly, he tried to drown all those involved in it

8.    8.   He hardly ever went into the classroom to teach, and when he did, the only thing he would tell his students was that they should read his book 
 9.   He told his son to give his classes instead of giving them himself

10   10. His work was extremely erratic and he would even give classes and tutorials from the top of a hill

Translated from an anonymous Spanish original in 1995