Scottish library joke

A man walks into a Glasgow library and says to the librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, do ye huv any books on suicide?"
The librarian looks up and says, "Get lost! Ye'll no bring it back!"

My favourite library joke

A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook".
The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook". Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out. The librarian shakes her head. Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok bok boook". The librarian gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it. The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank. There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog. The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying: "Book, bok, bok, boook". The frog blinks, and croaks: "read-it, read-it, read-it".

Sometimes the old jokes are the best.....

David Beckham walks into a library.

"I'll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.

"The librarian looks at him strangely. 'Sir,' she says, 'this is a library.'

David looks embarrassed and whispers as quietly as he can, 'Sorry! I'll have a cheeseburger and fries.'

The Art of Classification

Government is a great source of refinement in classification.
The British Public Record Office has a miscellaneous heading "Women, Witches, and the Working Class"  [Note the use of the Oxford Comma!].

Until 1951 the Foreign Office did not recognise the existence of Syria. Although it knew of the demise of the Medes and Persions it persisted in using the heading "Assyria"

Ten Reasons Why God Could Never Have Become a Professor Nor Obtained a Research Grant

1    1.   He produced only one publication and that was in Aramaic

2..   2.   He did not include a bibliography of previous work on the subject

3.    3.   His book was neither peer-reviewed nor published in a periodical recognised by Science Citation Index

4.    4.   There are doubts that he actually wrote it himself

5.    5.   No one in the scientific community has been able to reproduce the claimed results

6.    6.   Even if it were confirmed that he created the universe, what has he done since then?

7.    7.   When one experiment turned out badly, he tried to drown all those involved in it

8.    8.   He hardly ever went into the classroom to teach, and when he did, the only thing he would tell his students was that they should read his book 
 9.   He told his son to give his classes instead of giving them himself

10   10. His work was extremely erratic and he would even give classes and tutorials from the top of a hill

Translated from an anonymous Spanish original in 1995

Psychiatric hotline

Ring...ring
Ring...ring
Click...recording

'Hello, welcome to the psychiatric hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personality, please press 3,4,5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press.
No one will answer

NRC 6 May 1999

Well Out of Order

Went into my local library the other day to photocopy some secret dicuments for the Libyan Embassy, and found the photocopier out of order. Returned the next day, and it was still out of order. Is it ever in order, I asked the assistant, sarcastically. "No", she replied "as a matter of fact it's not. Because of the cuts, the repair budget has been abolished." So why not get rid of the machine then, instead of paying rental on something that doesn't work? "Ah," she explained, with the weary air of one forced to utter words she knows to be insane, "because they haven't cut our rental budget - only our repairs budget. We have to keep the copier, but we're not allowed to get it fixed."

The Patron Saint of Librarians

My favourite saint is Saint Jerome the patron saint of librarians, schoolchildren, students and archivists. He is described as being both cantankerous and lecherous so I think he should really be the patron saint of Chief Librarians. I know librarians who are cantankerous, and I know librarians who are lecherous, but the one's who are both cantankerous and lecherous tend to be the Chiefs. Anyway, St Jerome is of course best known for producing the Vulgate translation of the bible, but while running the papal library in Rome he became over friendly with some of the Library staff, namely St Paula and St Marcella. This led to a great deal of gossip. According to the splendidly malicious Oxford Dictionary of Saints, this led to gossip “much of which was misplaced”. But lets remember St Jerome for his erudition and his description in the Index of Patron Saints “What Jerome is ignorant of no man has ever known”.

A Fifteenth century job description

Some things just don't change......

"The librarian should be learned, of good presence, temper and manners; correct and ready of speech. He must get from the garderobe an inventory of the books, and keep them arranged, whether Latin, Greek, Hebrew, or others, maintaining also the rooms in good condition. He must preserve the books from damp and vermin, as well as from the hands of trifling, ignorant, dirtyand tasteless persons....He must let no book be taken away but by the Duke's orders, and if lent must get a written receipt, and see to its being returned. When a number of visitors come in, he must be specially watchful that none be stolen. All which is duly seen to by the present courteous and attentive librarian, Messer Agabito."

James Dennistoun  Memoirs of the Dukes of Urbino (1909)

A Library Folk Song

The Bold Librarian
by Joy Rutherford

Oh some they like the sailor man
When he comes back to shore,
And some they like the beggar man
That begs from door to door,
And some they like the soldier man
With his musket and his can,
But my delight can read and write
He's the bold librarian!

Now, this librarian, he rode out, all in the dewy morn,
And he met with the farmer's daughter and loudly he blew his horn.
"Come in my bold librarian, and I'll mek thee a pot of tea.
Me mother and father have gone to town and there's nobody here but me."

"I have a book for your mother, dear, called 'Love that dare not speak',
And another for your old father called 'Gunfighters of Mustang Creek',
But nothing I have for you, my dear," this librarian did say,
"But anything you shall request you shall have it right away."

"Oo", said the farmer's daughter and she glowed all over with fire.
"Is it true you can bring your readers anything they desire?"
"Oh yes" said the bold librarian, "Oh yes, indeed I will."
Take me up to your chamber and I'll show you my....professional skill."

So they went upstairs together and they laid down on the bed,
And he faceted her in every detail from 'A' unto 'Zed',
'Til he couldn't classify her under maidens any more.
He said "Such dynamic service you've never had before."

Now this librarian he arose and he put on all his clothes
And out of his pocket he drew handuls of gold,
Saying' "Take this my dearest Polly, for thee and thy baby.
It really belongs to the Book Fund, but I'll give it all to thee."

"Oh come, my bold librarian, and won't you marry me?"
"Oh no, my dearest Polly, such things can never be,
For married I am already to a quiet little thing.
I've a first and second edition and a third due in the spring."

"But dost tha truly love me?" the farmer's daughter said.
"What d'you mean", said the librarian, "Just because we've been to bed?"
In my most high profession love and sex cannot combine,
Because SEX is 612.6, and LOVE, which I classify under virtues not
otherwise accounted for is 179.9"

Come all you pretty fair maids, this warning you must heed;
You must marry some simple ploughboy who can neither write nor read.
For he may be poor and humble, but he'll love you the best he can.
And have naught to do with that roving blade who drives the library van.

Book dedications are another source of humour. But it's not always clear whether it's intended. For example:

"To my wife this book is affectionately dedicated"

Felix Raoul Leblanc. Venereal Disease and Its Prevention (1920)

Margaret Thatcher as philistine

A letter to The Independent from the amazing Janey Buchan:

No great readers

Dear Sir,
I did enjoy Sebastian Faulk's report on his discussion with Kenneth Baker about his newly published anthology of English verse (15 April).
However, the most telling part of the interview was the obvious difficulty for the Secretary of State for Education had in recalling the name of any Cabinet colleague who could be described as a bibliophile - eventually emerging with the name of Douglas Hurd.
As a book-lover, married to another, and living in a house almost taken over by books, let me assist the Secretary of State. If he will look up a memorable interview of the Prime Minister by Russell Harty he will hear her, when asked about how important books are to her, and what she was then reading say: " I am presently re-readingFreddie Forsyth's Fourth Protocol."
She must be the only person in Britain who reads a whodunnit, knows who dunnit and then re-reads it to make absolutely sure.
Small wonder the Secretary of State for Education had difficulty in recalling a book-lover, let alone a bibliophile, among his colleagues. With leadership like that, who is brave enough to declare himself a book-lover?
Yours faithfully,
JANEY BUCHAN
MEP for Glasgow
Brussels
19 April

Letters, The Independent, Wednesday 20 April 1988, page 21

From the sensational 2011 Dimbleby Lecture given by Michael Morpurgo comes this moving story. Those of us who danced in the Kremlin during the IFLA Conference when the coup took place against Gorbachov have another tale to tell - but that's for another day....

"Time for another story – I’ll tell you why afterwards. It’s one that I heard in Russia in 2003. There was an extraordinary happening to which I was invited, a gathering of 400 librarians from all over Russia. On my first evening in Moscow I found myself in the Kremlin, a glittering palace of gold and white, buzzing with people talking about books. It was a great, celebratory evening, the kind of glitz that you would never ever find at a conference for librarians in England – more’s the pity. (Think of that in a month when we’re told hundreds of libraries across Britain might have to close). In fact it was a celebration of librarians – the unsung heroes of the book world – of the importance of the work they do in bringing books to children and children to books. So this was dear to my heart.

Instead of a cabaret, there was a prize giving. And right at the end of a rather long evening, the last prize-winner was announced. As he stood up, a rather diminutive man in an ill-fitting suit, 400 librarians rose to their feet and began huzzah-ing like Russian troops at Borodino. I turned to my minder and asked her what was so special about him. Ah, she said. He is a hero. One day his library caught fire. With no thought for his own safety, he rushed into the building and began to carry out armfuls of books. Inspired by his courage and determination, the townspeople followed suit, so that before the building burned to the ground, they had saved about three quarters of the books in the library – thousands of them., “And the story doesn’t end there,” she said. “He told the townspeople to take the books home and look after them, as many as they could; and then when the library was rebuilt, as he was sure it would be, then they could bring them all back. And that is exactly what happened.” So, with tears in my eyes, I huzzah-ed along with the rest of them.

And I was thinking, it is people like this Russian school librarian who make a real difference to children’s lives, a different kind of hero, unfamous, unglamorous. His love of books and his ability to inspire reminded me of the people who had made a difference to my life, my mother reading to me the stories and poems she loved: Kipling, de la Mare, Masefield, Edward Lear; my choir master at school, Edred Wright, whose enthusiasm gave me a lifelong love of music. We can each of us remember the individuals who made the difference in our own young lives. Yet, something is wrong here and it is this, so often the importance of these individuals in children’s lives is not reflected by their importance in our society."

Michael Morpurgo. Set Our Children Free. 2011 Richard Dimbleby Lecture. http://www.michaelmorpurgo.com/news/read-michaels-dimbleby-lectur/

Those of us who danced in the Kremlin during the IFLA Conference when the coup took place against Gorbachov have another tale to tell - but that's for another day....

Laurie Taylor's THES Column was always a joy. This piece comes from a column where characters choose their favourite read of the year:

Douglas Stacksmaster (Senior Librarian)
Oddly enough you don't catch many of today's new information specialists (formerly librarians) sitting around reading good old-fashioned books. Oh no, most of us these days are into "accessing data-bases" (excuse the jargon). My own favourite database this year was one called InterLibrary. Instead of all those hours mooching along the shelves you now simply key in the topic which interests you and this database immediately tells you the number of inter-library loan forms you will need to complete in order to obtain the necessary information. fascinating stuff.

THES 28.12.90 p.16

From a flyer for a course at the University of London. We know what you mean - but it's not what you say.

Handling Discipline at Work

Date: 24th November 1987
Venue: University College London
Aim: To consider the practical application of rules and procedures and to provide some 'hands on' experience...
Programme: Timekeeping
Sickness
Drink
Sexual Harassment

Hands on sexual harassment, eh. No wonder it was limited to 12 participants

From the classic and perceptive novel Small World:

"...information is much more portable in the modern world than it used to be. So are people. Ergo, it's no longer necessary to hoard your information in one building, or keep your top scholars corralled in one campus. There are three things which have revolutionized academic life in the last twenty years, though very few people have woken up to the fact: jet travel, direct-dialling telephones and the Xerox machine. Scholars don't have to work in the same institution to interact, nowadays: they call each other up, or they meet at international conferences. And they don't have to grub about in library stacks for data: any book or article that sounds interesting they have Xeroxed and read it at home. Or on the plane going to the next conference. I work mostly at home or on planes these days. I seldom go into the university except to teach my courses.

...As long as you have access to a telephone, a Xerox machine and a conference grant fund, you're OK, you're plugged into the only university that really matters - the global campus. A young man in a hurry can see the world by conference-hopping"

David Lodge: Small World London: Secker & Warburg, 1984.

Sir, - The discussion (Guardian Letters) of British Library amenities reminds me of a notice in the Northampton Public Library early in the war : it said, simply, Persons must not lie on the shelves (What had persons been up to?).

Phoebe Carter.
1Port Hill,
Hertford.

Guardian Letters page 21st August 1987

Angus Wilson on the joys of running things:

On occasion I wished for the immediate applause given to the acrobat, the pop singer or the tennis star. But perhaps the paid administrator has a more continually pleasant sense of ministration adnot being truly appreciated than any of these.

As he [Nutting, a research worker] said "It never does the administration any harm to be criticized, even when it's done the right thing."

and citing Pope

"For forms of government let fools contest,
What'er is best administered is best."

Angus Wilson. The Old Men at the Zoo. London: Secker & Warburg, 1961

Blogger, know thyself.......

"Saw Romeo and Juliet....It is the worst play that ever I heard in my life and the worst acted."
(1 March 1662)

"Then to church and heard a simple Scot preach most tediously." (26 October 1662)

"So to church and slept all the sermon, the Scot, to whose voice I am not to be reconciled, preaching." (21 June 1663)

Great Book Titles of our Time:

Seaman, Julian. Sixteen Hands Between Your Legs. British Horse Society, 1987

A gobbit from Roy Hattersley's Endpiece column in the Guardian of 28th January 1984.

"Librarian Larkin presided over the shelves and stacks of Hull even in that university's paleolithic period when I was a student there, and I often experienced the austere wrath which he directed at constant return-date dafaulters.
Even in these pre-promiscuous days , in the University of Hull keeping a girl out all night was safer than doing the same to a book. In the Brynmore-Jones Library, the safest course of all was to take half of Polonius's advice and never a borrower be."

Terry Pratchett and Librarians

Pratchett fans will know that the Librarian first appeared in a footnote in "Sourcery".

"A magical accident in the Library, which as has already been indicated is not a place for your average rubber-stamp-and-Dewey-decimal employment had some time ago turned the Librarian into an orang-utan. He had since resisted all efforts to turn him back. He liked the handy long arms, the prehensile toes and the right to scratch himself in public, but most of all he liked the way all the big questions of existence had suddenly resolved themselves into a vague interest in where his next banana was coming from. It wasn't that he was unaware of the despair and nobility of the human condition. It was just that as far as he was concerned you could stuff it."

Pratchett, T. Sourcery London, Gollancz, 1989. p.16

This first post is a long standing favourite and describes Thomas Carlyle's experience of Edinburgh University Library in 1814.

"A fat Highlander with even less weakness for letters was in command and considered students his natural enemies. In 1814 Tom was a six-footer and a good witness of what used to happen as he stood in the queue at the door, and what he said he saw was as funny as a farce. At the appointed hour the students began battering the door and the Highlander opened it slowly, slowly. He could not use his feet or his fists to show his love for his foes, but he did what he could as they crowded in - he bent his body at the last moment to send sprawling as many of them as possible"

I guess this refers to farting! It's from a biography of Carlyle written in about 1900. Sadly I don't have a proper reference, but it's Page 88 and the Chapter is called "Boy to Man"