Ten Reasons Why God Could Never Have Become a Professor Nor Obtained a Research Grant

1    1.   He produced only one publication and that was in Aramaic

2..   2.   He did not include a bibliography of previous work on the subject

3.    3.   His book was neither peer-reviewed nor published in a periodical recognised by Science Citation Index

4.    4.   There are doubts that he actually wrote it himself

5.    5.   No one in the scientific community has been able to reproduce the claimed results

6.    6.   Even if it were confirmed that he created the universe, what has he done since then?

7.    7.   When one experiment turned out badly, he tried to drown all those involved in it

8.    8.   He hardly ever went into the classroom to teach, and when he did, the only thing he would tell his students was that they should read his book 
 9.   He told his son to give his classes instead of giving them himself

10   10. His work was extremely erratic and he would even give classes and tutorials from the top of a hill

Translated from an anonymous Spanish original in 1995

Psychiatric hotline

Ring...ring
Ring...ring
Click...recording

'Hello, welcome to the psychiatric hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personality, please press 3,4,5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press.
No one will answer

NRC 6 May 1999

Well Out of Order

Went into my local library the other day to photocopy some secret dicuments for the Libyan Embassy, and found the photocopier out of order. Returned the next day, and it was still out of order. Is it ever in order, I asked the assistant, sarcastically. "No", she replied "as a matter of fact it's not. Because of the cuts, the repair budget has been abolished." So why not get rid of the machine then, instead of paying rental on something that doesn't work? "Ah," she explained, with the weary air of one forced to utter words she knows to be insane, "because they haven't cut our rental budget - only our repairs budget. We have to keep the copier, but we're not allowed to get it fixed."